Scheana Shay sees the beauty in turning 40. But she’s ‘trying to look 25 forever.’

Scheana Shay has been on our screens for over a decade, but it’s only in the pages of her new book that the reality star says she’s giving us the full picture — unfiltered, unedited and, at times, very raw.

“I think that reality TV is more nuanced than people are led to believe. I wanted to write this book to put the rest of it out there that was either left on the cutting-room floor or has never been a part of my story,” she tells me, describing her just-released memoir, My Good Side, not as a tell-all but a tell-it-right. “I’m opening up about it all.”

In a conversation for Yahoo’s Unapologetically series, Shay and I are Zooming from our respective California homes. Throughout our nearly 30-minute chat, the Vanderpump Rules alum proves she really is an open book — “almost to a fault where I may talk a little too much,” she says at one point. But putting truth to paper meant confronting the hardest moments of her life, including one she’d kept hidden from the public.

Shay surprised fans earlier this month when she revealed her husband, Brock Davies, cheated on her in 2020 when she was pregnant with their child, Summer Moon. It’s something she went “back and forth” on deciding to include in her book. Shay tells me she hopes this revelation will give VPR fans more context about what she was going through during Season 11 — the season of Scandoval.

In the spring of 2023, while friend and costar Ariana Madix was grappling with the fallout from her longtime partner Tom Sandoval’s affair, Shay had just discovered her own husband’s infidelity. That particular season was brutal for Shay, both on- and offscreen. She was frustrated by Madix’s decision not to film with Sandoval and found herself criticized in some corners of the internet for her reaction. Shay says she “was struggling to express my actual feelings because I was bottling them up.”

“I had misplaced anger, mostly at Tom Sandoval, which was also deserved. But I think with Ariana, I was just like … I have to film with my husband. I was just trying to survive at that point,” she says. “I was trying to keep my head above water when I felt like I was drowning.”

Turning 40 in May helped bring Shay a new level of clarity and perspective. For the reality star, reaching the milestone was more than just about aging — it was a wake-up call for taking control of her mental health.

“I went into 40 figuring out what milligram of medication I needed to be on,” she says, acknowledging a period of depression leading up to her birthday. She says not being included in the Vanderpump Rules reboot and getting kicked off The Masked Singer first contributed to feeling down and not good enough. But she didn’t stay stuck in that slump. “I upped my meds, I’ve upped my therapy, I’ve started working out again.”

Here, Shay reflects on everything from learning to navigate her relationship with anxiety, to facing public scrutiny over her past — including her affair with Eddie Cibrian — and how being a mother has shifted her perspective on life.

You’ve said that you’ve been misunderstood or mislabeled at times. What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about you?

I think one of the biggest misconceptions people have about me is that I was [Eddie’s] mistress. Because to be a mistress, I would have had to have been complicit in the affair, and I wasn’t. I had no idea when I was 21, fresh out of college and met this really good-looking guy with dimples who said he was an actor [that he would be married]. Why would I enter into a relationship with someone who is married and has a pregnant wife at home? I would never do that. I don’t care how young, old, naive, intelligent, whatever I am. I would never do that.

You point out in the book that social media didn’t exist in the same way when you started your relationship in 2006.

It’s not like they were posting family photos together and matching pajamas under the Christmas tree. I didn’t know there was a family because I didn’t even have a laptop to Google [him]. I’m not going to go walk down to the internet café while I’m printing out [headshots] for auditions and be like, “By the way, that guy I went out with last night, let me Google him.” It was never even a thought in my mind.

Do you think your book will give his ex-wife, Brandi Glanville, any peace?

We’ve had several conversations over the years about it. The first one was on camera for the world to see, which made for the best transition in reality TV ever. But with Brandi, she and I have kept in touch over the years. I think she now understands that he was the one who lied. I never would have entered into a relationship, even a situationship, even hooking up, nothing with a man who was married. … That’s just not something I would do.

What was the hardest part for you to write in this book?

The hardest part for me to write in the book was definitely [Brock’s affair]. When I met with publishing houses, I had a very vague description of what this chapter could look like in my proposal, because I was still deciding, Do we take this to the grave?

After going back and forth through couples therapy and several conversations with my husband, we both decided that it needed to go in the book. This was a part of my story that I wanted to tell. I did not feel that my book would be complete or authentic if I did not put this chapter in. Making the decision was really difficult, but then actually writing it … I read him the first draft. He did not like it. He’s like, “If you’re going to put it out there, why are you trying to be vague? Why are you trying to scoot around it? You may as well write it all.” So I did.

I asked him if he wanted to read it before the final draft was due, and he said [no]. Then once we got the books printed and he read it, he goes, “Oh, you really went all in.” I was like, “You told me to add more detail, so I added every detail.” I think it was just hard for him to read because he didn’t understand the magnitude of the hurt that I felt. He knew obviously it was devastating, but I think reading it a couple of years later really put it in a new perspective for him. And honestly I think our relationship has gotten so much stronger because of being honest about this.

How are you doing now that it’s out in the world?

I’m doing OK, honestly. I have therapy scheduled for tomorrow and I had therapy last week. I think it’s important to stay consistent with that for my mental health. It’s a safe outlet for me to express how I’m feeling.

I’ve tried to stay out of the comment section for the most part … I don’t need to go and read what everyone’s saying. I get the highlights from my manager or my publicist, things that I know I’m gonna have to address. But overall I’ve just been trying to let it all be out there, let people have their opinions. I expect people to have strong opinions about what I have to say in this book. That’s OK.

You mention anxiety for the first time when you are writing about your involvement with the Hooters lawsuit. You were secretly filmed changing in 2004. Anxiety wasn’t something people really talked about back then. When did you finally realize, Oh, that’s what I’ve been dealing with?

When I was going through that, I don’t know that I completely understood the magnitude of what I was feeling. I’ve always had anxiety since I think I was a kid. I was always a perfectionist. I was finally diagnosed with anxiety toward the end of my [first] marriage, because in 2016 was when I got on [antidepressant] Wellbutrin for the first time. Prior to 2016, it was not something I talked about. I just kept that inside, the feeling that I had which was an anxious feeling. I buried it, like I did with a lot of things.

How do you deal with anxiety now?

Now I am being so much better about not burying my feelings. … There are a lot of things around mental health now that are being talked about that weren’t talked about when I was in school. I want to advocate for that. I want to be a person in the public eye who is not afraid to talk about these things because it helps people feel less alone and it helps them feel just seen and heard and understood. That’s really important to me.

Looking back on your time on Vanderpump Rules, are there moments you see differently now?

There are so many moments that I look back on and reflect on and wish I did things differently, wish I handled myself better. But that is the beauty and the curse of reality TV. You get to see yourself sometimes at your best, often at your worst, but then you can grow. You can learn. There’s nothing normal about being able to go back in time. That’s not a real thing.

I’m going to mess up. I’m going to make mistakes. That is just a part of life. But the difference is: What do you do after you make that mistake? Do you learn and grow or do you make it again?

The pressure for women in the public eye to look 25 forever — how do you deal with that?

So trying to look 25 forever is something I’m trying to do. I have done Botox since I was 25 because it is preventative. I don’t have wrinkles on my forehead. Now at 40, these smile lines are starting to stick. So I do the CO2 lasers. I do Cotrini eye patches that I put on my smile lines. I moisturize. I cleanse my skin. I take very good care of my skin because I would like to look 25 without having to inject fillers. I’ve done that before. I’ve reversed my lips because it just migrates, and I don’t want that stuff in my face.

There is a pressure to look young, but there’s also a beauty in getting older. So trying to find that balance, trying to accept that I’m going to have some smile lines that maybe aren’t going to completely go away, but that’s OK. It’s a part of life, and it’s because I’ve laughed a lot. So trying to see it from that perspective instead of just harping on lines on my face. That’s still a work in progress.

Did turning 40 feel like a milestone for you?

I had the most amazing party with no drama, no cameras other than the photographers I hired. So many of my Valley and Vanderpump Rules castmates and a ton of friends from my daughter’s school.

It was the perfect way to ring in 40. I was a bit depressed from November until May. I’ve upped my meds now, and I am feeling better. I was a combination of things that were putting me in a slump: getting kicked off The Masked Singer first, feeling like I’m not good enough. Then Vanderpump Rules gets rebooted, and as happy as I was, it was still a huge change in my adult life and career. It was just like so many little things: turning 40, new hormones coming through your body. I’m like, am I in perimenopause? What is this? But I did up my meds.

What’s something that you love about yourself now that you didn’t when you were younger?

All of the things that I think are wrong with me — my anxiety, my OCD, things that I just battled with in my head as a kid and adolescent and even an adult. I appreciate those things now on a different level. I think at times my intrusive thoughts suck, but my OCD does keep me safe. My anxiety shows me, Here are the potential threats and things that can go wrong. I do appreciate that I am cautious.

How has becoming a mom changed how you see yourself?

I have always known I’m a strong person. But this just extra shows me how strong I am. I was terrified to become a mom. I have to keep this human alive every single minute of the day? Then, when they go to school or there’s a nanny, and you have to release control. It was a total battle for me.

But now she can tell me when her tummy hurts and we can communicate like that, it has gotten easier. But it’s really made me realize that I am a good mom. I am a strong person. I just want to give her the best life. I had an incredible childhood growing up, and I want her to have the same thing. And I feel like I’ve changed in a way where I look at friendships and relationships differently.

If someone hasn’t asked about my kid, if they have no interest in how she’s doing, I have no interest for you in my life. When you become a mom, you really learn who your real friends are, who care not just about you and themself, but care about your kid. So that’s been really eye-opening for me as well.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

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